When my sickness was in full swing, I was too blind to understand the reason of my disease.
I was very ill.. I got so depressed.. sad.. confused.. stressed.. scared.. cried day and night.. My family and I don’t know what to do anymore. We don’t know what will happen next. All I know at that time is I am nearing death. I felt that I was already a goner as my condition gets worse and worse everyday. Sometimes, I don't want to look in the mirror anymore.. it was so depressing as my physical appearance has changed drastically. I needed to stop working temporarily.. my eyes and whole body turned dark yellow. I feel I was at the stormiest part of my life. It seems that everything was falling apart.
I have so many questions. First on the list? As cliche as it sounds, but yes.. I asked.. Why me?
Why do I have to go through all those pain? Why do I need to suffer that much? Am I next? Am I ready to leave my children at their very young age? Am I ready to face my Creator?
Amidst the pain and suffering this disease has caused me, I think I heard Him spoke to me: "Where is your faith my child?" I felt so ashamed. There are hesitations and inhibitions in my mind but one thing is for sure, that I never doubted His love for me. I never stopped praying.. asking.. knocking..
He has greatly blessed me with the love and undying support coming from my friends, co-workers and family, most especially from my husband who never left my side when my condition (and appearance) was really very bad at the hospital. I know that it breaks his heart seeing me suffer, he was always there whenever the doctor visits me and delivers bad news after bad news after bad news, whenever the nurse does blood extraction for my lab tests day after day after day, whenever I need to throw up all the food I just consumed, whenever I need help to go to the bathroom, whenever I'm feeling down, he never runs out of corny jokes to cheer me up, he just never gave up on me, he was always there, loving me unconditionally, praying for me and most importantly he remained strong.. for me. Though, at times I know he wants to cry but can not show it in front of me, I know he wants me to think that despite all the hardships, pain and struggle we are going through everything is still going to be alright.
And yes, by God's grace.. Halleluja! it gradually and eventually did. ❤
I found comfort and peace in knowing and believing that He is indeed in full control of all the (bad) things happening to me. I now fully understand and saw clearly God's purpose on why he let me went through all those pain and illness. I have found glory in my disease. I have learned to hold onto His promises. That He is the God that heals, the God of miracles, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, He has always been faihful in my life, that everything happens for a reason for He knows what He is doing. It is well within His powerful and loving Hands. I learned to trust and have faith in His plan and timing, that He is always with me, that I was never alone fighting the battle, that He loves me no matter what, that He is greater than the struggle I am facing. For He is the God of plan, purpose, design and objectivity. Truly, with Him nothing is impossible. God is good. Always. No matter what. And I am tremendously comforted by that fact, for He has given me another chance at life.
And yes, by God's grace.. Halleluja! it gradually and eventually did. ❤
I found comfort and peace in knowing and believing that He is indeed in full control of all the (bad) things happening to me. I now fully understand and saw clearly God's purpose on why he let me went through all those pain and illness. I have found glory in my disease. I have learned to hold onto His promises. That He is the God that heals, the God of miracles, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, He has always been faihful in my life, that everything happens for a reason for He knows what He is doing. It is well within His powerful and loving Hands. I learned to trust and have faith in His plan and timing, that He is always with me, that I was never alone fighting the battle, that He loves me no matter what, that He is greater than the struggle I am facing. For He is the God of plan, purpose, design and objectivity. Truly, with Him nothing is impossible. God is good. Always. No matter what. And I am tremendously comforted by that fact, for He has given me another chance at life.
I can still remember what Aggie Sarthou said: "there is hope beyond pain. there is hope in the big C, there is hope in Christ". To this day, I am still in the process of full recovery but I know and I believe that I will be completely healed in the Powerful name of Jesus.
"To trust God in the light is nothing, but to trust Him in the dark, that is FAITH!" --
C.H. Spurgeon
"To trust God in the light is nothing, but to trust Him in the dark, that is FAITH!" --
C.H. Spurgeon
